Chapter 3: Emotional Well-being
Today I feel so angry over things that seem so small and then they become so big. I actually want to beat the shit out of something. I feel like all I have is anger and hurt coursing through my veins. Starting to sounds like déjà vu? If your someone who suffers from anxiety or you just wear your heart on your sleeve then you know what it’s like to feel every emotion to the fullest possible extent and sometimes you just can’t pull yourself back. I want to talk about something very important with you...are you ready? Here it is….everything that happens in your life is not all because of your anxiety and how you cope or don’t cope with it. This has come up recently in my marriage. I recognize and accept that my anxiety has and will continue to affect my marriage. I work hard every day at coping with it and so does my husband, I am very grateful for that. I have just come to realize that everything is not all my fault. He tells me he needs space and to go away and every bone in my body wants to lose it. It is my natural instinct to become the storm. I tell him that what he doesn’t get is that I cannot let it go and leave him alone. I need it to be solved now. I need it to be okay so that I can be okay with us. So that I don’t start thinking that he’s going to leave me. Then he tells me “you need to work on that then” I seriously almost lost my shit. Instead I walked away and took out my laptop to write to you all because I learned a very important lesson tonight that I think needs to be heard by the world. Everything is not always my fault. Everything is not always because of my anxiety. Sometimes it’s his fault. Sometimes it’s not anybody’s fault it just is. Sometimes one of us is just in a foul mood. No matter how supportive of your mental illness your partner may be and how caring they are or how well they learn to cope with your mental illness, they still have their own shit to deal with. My husband is all about me taking care of my mental health but he NEVER talks about or takes care of himself. He never talks about how he can better himself for the good of our marriage. If I talk to him about something that is bothering me than he will work on it but he never takes it upon himself to work on himself. So now your wondering how I handled the situation? Well every part of me wanted to let my emotions take over but instead I gave him what he asked for …space. Turns out I actually needed some space too. I thought about why I was so angry but I didn’t stew on it. Then I thought about what I needed to say to him. I went back downstairs and I said what I needed to say. At that point he had calmed down and listened to me attentively. We worked it out. It’s not always pretty but we always work it out.
My advice to you:
Don’t let your emotions get the best of you. Instead take a deep breath and give yourself some space. Then write it out ( I’m a little biased I know). Draw it. Cry it out. Scream it out. But be alone with your emotions. Feel them fully but not at the expense of someone else. When you are feeling in control again then go and deal with your situation. Now close your eyes and take a deep breath in and out. See yourself resolving a fight with your partner by communicating in a respectful way. See yourself crying by yourself in your car until you can’t cry anymore simply just because you needed to. See yourself giving the punching bag at the gym a beating because you need to be angry but your channeling it in a positive way. Now feel the burden of your emotions fall off your shoulders. Know that it’s okay to be emotional we are humans and it is our natural instinct. Embrace your emotions but don’t let them embrace you.